I didn’t miss your point. The part that made that comment horrible is “you’re not allowed to come over until you stop peeing on my couch,” like human beings with a regrettable, painful, mortifyingly embarrassing condition are untrained dogs to you. Like it’s something they can just stop. That’s what you said: figure it out, then I’ll let you sit on my couch. I considered the possibility that I misinterpreted you here, then noticed that I wasn’t the only one, if so.
Then you did the exact same thing here, too. “Stop splitting.” “Decide to stop hurting people.” “Just flick off this light switch that’s taken years of therapy to even understand, buddy! Just live! Just be!” Okay, Julia. You’re talking about serious, life changing journeys that require a lot of help and support along the way, and paying them the same respect as taking the car through the wash.
I’m not blind to my impact on other people. As is typical in armchair psychologists, you missed the entire part of my comment where I talk about how intensely aware I am of my impact on others. That’s this entire comment: oh, he has this condition, let me ignore everything he said and talk to him with my years of psychological training. Maybe that will get through.
I’m not splitting with you and acknowledge that I know nothing about your pain or journey. I know only what you’ve chosen to share in commentary here, and brother, it’s enough of a display of malempathy to make me conclude that your opinion matters very little to me. I didn’t even need my disorder to make that determination. The follow up didn’t do a lot to help.
As a BDP self-diagnosed here in the post, I fully understand why you did this. I also did it in the past without knowing why but today I got some reflection about it, mainly with this topic and your reluctancing in understand that the way your argument is severely biased because of this condition we share.
Please don't self diagnose. Not much good comes out of it, as you can't act upon it with treatment such as therapy or medication. Please see a professional instead.
I don’t know if I agree that I’m biased about calling out a lack of empathy like that — maybe that I personalized it too much, sure — but I respect your viewpoint and I’m glad you’re reflecting on it. Self awareness is step one on a journey that’s going to take you and I a long time, and I’m glad to see that this (awful) thread has some positive outcomes.
You can’t repeatedly say “typical borderline” and “I understand your trauma” in the same comment. They’re mutually exclusive. Whatever experiences you’ve had with a person like this don’t give you any sort of insight into everyone. People are people. Notice I sniffed out what was going on with the other commenter? I can’t help but wonder who it was that patterned you like this, so armchair expert on a condition, and people, you’re so keen to dismiss. I’m guessing it was the coworker, but there has to be more to it than that.
Have you ever stopped and considered that perhaps some of your coworker’s behavior had nothing to do with the condition he claimed to have and that you’ve associated? I thought about responding that some of the things you described aren’t indicative or symptomatic, but inferred it’d be a waste of breath.
You’re wrong, and you’re so convinced I’m wrong on account of something I was brave enough to share, that we are never going to meet on this. You can’t position yourself as trying to help when you just say “typical borderline” to comments you think you understand — which your reply makes clear that you genuinely don’t. You bet I reacted emotionally. You’re generally indicting an entire group of people, including me, with completely wrong perceptions of a disorder you clearly do not understand.
You want me to explain my position? ‘Kay: Your comments make you sound like an asshole. I don’t think you are one. I’m trying to guide you to somewhere in the middle of that, with the added bonus of lightly educating you about a condition you think you know, and you’re resisting and turning it around on me like I’m pulling teeth and doubling down on practicing psychiatry with a flawed mental model for even understanding the people you’re talking to. And I’m coming from the disadvantage of everything I say being interpreted in that flawed mental framework of behavior, with the added irony of the person turning comments around being able to lean on that being a condition of my disorder to disregard what I’m saying even though I have a point.
Step 1: Avoid ever using the word “typical” about any behavior you observe in someone else and try listening, instead. Your conceptions of “typical” might be (and, in this case, are) wrong.
Step 2: Try reading my comments as if they’re someone you respect and admire speaking, someone who’s not a random who you’ve safely labeled in a box that you’ve built from past trauma.
For what it’s worth, though I somewhat sparred with you, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. Your anguish that comes through from your situation is the same pain I’ve seen inflicted on so many in my own life. I’d be devastated to hear that you hadn’t found peace with your family, and I genuinely hope that you guys can work it out and find common ground. Blood, water, all that.
This was a tough thread but I don’t carry any hard feelings. Nobody won, here. Let’s learn for next time, I owe you a beer, and best of luck (really).
Although I still feel like people around me give me a difficult time accepting my behavior, at least now I know a huge chunk of the problem also lies in my behavior - and it is only there that I can fix that anguish, not externally. So yeah, hard small victories, I guess.
Do you have anything productive to add, such as responding directly to my dissection of the lack of empathy I’m talking to, or are you just projecting your brother onto me because you think you understand a label?
If I didn’t give a shit, I wouldn’t be trying to explain it to him. Rebukes are based in corrective intent. If this were really a “BPD moment” (sigh) I would have split him to irrelevance and ignored him like he doesn’t matter to me. But I believe people can change, and I think a disregard for the suffering of other people is something that’s a little easier to change than others. Even yours. Your brother deserves it.
This is the first time I’ve ever acknowledged my condition online. I’m already regretting it, based on the labeling dismissal of my opinions.
I'm most likely projecting my brother. But my man, it's hard not to. I've just read your comments to my wife without telling her the context, and she said "sounds just like your brother". I mean no harm, I wish you all the best, but I couldn't resist reacting, it touched a nerve I guess. My brother always talks about how he helps friends and family, he tries to understand everyone, feels empathy. But there's never anything to show for it. I know I'm just an object to him, a shell, we all are, to take the abuse. If I drive him somewhere (he doesn't drive) he will not appreciate it, because that is my role in his life. He will even text uncles and friends late at night to drive him or do some other favor. But none of it counts, because he is the only one who feels, he listened to me when I had problems, and empathized. I guess I need to bow in front of him, the majesty, only person in the world who feels. When I read your comments, I get the same vibe, it hits all the right spots. It's uncanny really.
Would you please stop? Your comments in this thread do not reach the bar for civility on this site. If you want to admonish others about taking responsibility, you need to do the same for the effect of your own behavior here, which is clearly not helping the level of thoughtfulness and insight of this discussion thread.
I didn’t miss your point. The part that made that comment horrible is “you’re not allowed to come over until you stop peeing on my couch,” like human beings with a regrettable, painful, mortifyingly embarrassing condition are untrained dogs to you. Like it’s something they can just stop. That’s what you said: figure it out, then I’ll let you sit on my couch. I considered the possibility that I misinterpreted you here, then noticed that I wasn’t the only one, if so.
Then you did the exact same thing here, too. “Stop splitting.” “Decide to stop hurting people.” “Just flick off this light switch that’s taken years of therapy to even understand, buddy! Just live! Just be!” Okay, Julia. You’re talking about serious, life changing journeys that require a lot of help and support along the way, and paying them the same respect as taking the car through the wash.
I’m not blind to my impact on other people. As is typical in armchair psychologists, you missed the entire part of my comment where I talk about how intensely aware I am of my impact on others. That’s this entire comment: oh, he has this condition, let me ignore everything he said and talk to him with my years of psychological training. Maybe that will get through.
I’m not splitting with you and acknowledge that I know nothing about your pain or journey. I know only what you’ve chosen to share in commentary here, and brother, it’s enough of a display of malempathy to make me conclude that your opinion matters very little to me. I didn’t even need my disorder to make that determination. The follow up didn’t do a lot to help.