when i watch media from 60 years ago i am overwhelmed by how much community there was inside workplaces. people communicated. they had community. ideas were communicative. so was effort. it almost feels like a violation in the modern sense to watch how in each other's business they were. and the backwash of social communication that comes with the transaction of work chat.
well anyways that's starting to feel like, i would not mind that level of familiarity and interaction at my job and maybe in society out with strangers, people i am competing against for resources, like, milk at the grocery store.
it's just me, and, my spouse, that i dump 100% of my social needs on, and i'm a lot, so i exhaust her quickly. i learned to keep bottled up most of my need to deflate after a day because that is basically holding someone hostage, to hear how my day went, as therapeutic as it is for me, it's an exchange of toxic assets that deserves compensation or greater distribution across a wider audience... like a workplace or a society tolerant of exchanging with strangers
so in the vein of lugging all this work around that gives us burnout, i have a theory that we're bottling way more up and solving it solo, poorly, just accumulating baggages that a different world used to exchange freely as part of a social acumen.
anyways i've put myself in a precarious situation of being vulnerable to a bevy of reality checking thread responses, which, i'd gladly take as good medicine to hear what i'm getting wrong; but i think i might have lobbed this point generally in a direction that is accurate, even if not precise: we dont have "our people" anymore and we're rotting together
You are just above average social, or maybe even a bit extroverted and as you mention you need to vent out but not have company to do so. Ie I am the opposite, no need to upload all the daily crap unto others, I deal with it on my own ie via long evening/forest walks, workouts and various sports, smoking weed sometimes (and mixing with long walks).
Its tiring to be mostly on receiving end, either there is a lot of negative stuff being unloaded unto you, or people are hopeless in some basic situations and can't speak up or generally help themselves or similar, and there is very little I can actually help with.
What is important for long term stable relationships is to have them balanced, give what you take in similar if not same ways, and not be a semi-constant source of negativity/complaints, everybody has their limit. The shit I've been told from some of my close folks, without ever asking or wanting to hear that... I would never bother them with such crap, its often borderline rude, and usually there is 0 I can do just listen or stop the whole circus.
As a suspected introvert, I really love sitting down and hearing about my partner’s day, but this is really crucial:
>Its tiring to be mostly on receiving end, either there is a lot of negative stuff being unloaded unto you, or people are hopeless in some basic situations and can't speak up or generally help themselves or similar, and there is very little I can actually help with.
I’m sure OP is wonderful and I don’t want to make assumptions about them, but I’d hate to do this with someone who is really negative and finds too many things to complain about. The other thing you mentioned is that if you’re a certain type of listener, it is an exhaustible skill to engage with so many “i need comfort not solutions” type stories and conversations.
> it is an exhaustible skill to engage with so many “i need comfort not solutions” type stories and conversations.
Very much this. I'm in a similar situation myself, and I noticed at some point I started mentally begging for any of the complaint to be something solvable, because I'm running empty on comfort. It's especially hard when you heard the exact same complaint for like 5 times in the last two weeks; comforting stops feeling sincere just by sheer repetition.
While media can reflect reality to a certain extent, it is still just a fantasy. See 'Friends' and young 20 somethings living in a million dollar loft in NYC while working as a barista. "What happened to those good times in the 90s?"
> See 'Friends'...living in a million dollar loft in NYC while working as a barista.
I see this comment everywhere and it irks me. Here's my point-by-point, obsessed-fan's rebuttal:
1. It isn't a loft. It's an unusually large apartment.
2. It's explained on the show that it's a rent-controlled sublet illegally inherited from a grandmother of one of the characters. The illegality of the situation is a key plot point in one of the episodes.
3. It's obviously easier to shoot on a larger set than a smaller one. It isn't hard to suspend your disbelief on a fairly minor point. Would it have been a better show if they had shot it on a smaller set purely to satisfy people who want realism?
4. The size of the set is irrelevant to the storylines and characters. The characters don't otherwise live lavishly or appear to spend out of proportion to their income.
5. All but one of the main characters lives with a roommate or romantic partner throughout the entire show's run.
Cool, but it's still not the norm, that's my point. It was the most popular show at the time so regardless of what the intricacies of the backstory were, people got the impression that was normal. "This must be what it's like for the avg 20 something in New York." Almost every show does this. No one wants to watch a show about someone struggling to get by in a shithole. It's just how TV works. You see only the nice stuff with people thriving. The fat dumb husband with a hot wife is another unrealistic trope.
Google Sharon Zukin. She wrote a book on loft living and describes the decline-rejuvination cycles in cities. According to her poor artists are the reason for those million dollar valuations.
Cycle goes something like this. Factories in parts of the city shut down after it get cheaper to run them outside. Those spaces lay empty, rents drop, decay begins. Poor Artists move in. Area starts getting interesting. Yuppies move in cuz of the 'cool' factor. Property developers notice. They start buying everything up. Rents jump. Artists get kicked out. And you end up with boring rich people living in a formally cool area.
Ha, never thought I'd see Sharon Zukin referenced on HN.
"Loft Living" is a great book, although it's been a minute since I read it. To quibble on a minor point -- if I remember correctly, a major part of that book was pushing back on the narrative on part of that cycle, that these factory spaces "lay empty".
Something she describes in this book is that these factory spaces were still very much in use by light manufacturers, and that it was the rich real estate interest specifically targetting this area for redevelopment that pushed a narrative that it "lay empty" so that they could more easily get the neighborhood rezoned and push out the manufacturers for more lucrative residential tenants.
One of the characters "inherited" it from her grandmother (read: the grandmother's name is still on the lease and the landlord was never notified) so the original lease was probably signed a long time before the show's timeline begins. Since rent control limits rent annual increases, that means they're paying well below market rent.
What has changed, in your view? At my workplace we chat. About our spouses, kids, hobbies etc. Sometimes about difficulties at home or our frustrations and ambitions at work and life. We have dinner or drinks after work sometimes. We’re not friends, per se, but we’re certainly friendly. Are you referring to something else?
well anyways that's starting to feel like, i would not mind that level of familiarity and interaction at my job and maybe in society out with strangers, people i am competing against for resources, like, milk at the grocery store.
it's just me, and, my spouse, that i dump 100% of my social needs on, and i'm a lot, so i exhaust her quickly. i learned to keep bottled up most of my need to deflate after a day because that is basically holding someone hostage, to hear how my day went, as therapeutic as it is for me, it's an exchange of toxic assets that deserves compensation or greater distribution across a wider audience... like a workplace or a society tolerant of exchanging with strangers
so in the vein of lugging all this work around that gives us burnout, i have a theory that we're bottling way more up and solving it solo, poorly, just accumulating baggages that a different world used to exchange freely as part of a social acumen.
anyways i've put myself in a precarious situation of being vulnerable to a bevy of reality checking thread responses, which, i'd gladly take as good medicine to hear what i'm getting wrong; but i think i might have lobbed this point generally in a direction that is accurate, even if not precise: we dont have "our people" anymore and we're rotting together